Al Kader Oasis Newsletter May 2017
May 2017
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Al Kader Oasis Newsletter May 2017
May 2017
Oasis Archive


Shrine Center
25100 SW Parkway Avenue
Wilsonville, OR 97070-9600

Phone: 503-682-4420
FAX: 503-685-5080

Contact Us
Membership Petition

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Cyclowns

Units and Clubs remain the heart of the Shrine Center. The Units and Clubs are the individual members focus and gives value to being a Shriner.


News

Cap’n James “D-Day” Brant
May 2017

When asked if he was aware of collusion between Cyclown associates and the Kader Klowns. Capt. D-day Brant was Quoted as saying “our Intelligence Committee’s investigation team has found no links to the Kader Klowns, and I have full confidence in our Cyclown Intelligence Committee’s lead investigator Freeddieee K-Klown Wendt and his cracked team, they are going to get to the bottom of this.” Cyclown Security Adviser Ben-i dont give a Stan-Hodes then advised us on how it was Oriental Band who was putting out this propaganda. He was quoted as saying “I’m not going to comment on an ongoing investigation but just look at what’s in their name B-A-N-D that should say everything.”

Things took a turn for the worst when a few Cyclowns noticed a clown in gold puffy pants standing in the shadows. Before anyone could leap into action someone yelled “HE’S GOT A TRUMPET” and every Cyclown dived for cover.

But with chairs and tables scattering everywhere, Bill Moose Hains knowing the difference between a trumpet and a flugelhorn, closed the distance between him and the Mangione wantabe until he got distracted by change falling out of the pockets of Treasurer Jerry top ramen Nudelman. Pants and the eyedropper got away. After order was restored, back from a leave of absence and looking a little soiled, First lt. Don Hayhurst spoke about the importance of keeping a fresh pair for times like this and everyone uttered agreement and asked for more napkins from the waitress.

Jim the animal Lane went on to discuss the Cyclowns Raffle of a trip for two to the East-West College All-star Football Game on January 20 2018 in Tampa Florida. This includes round trip tickets to Florida, a three night stay at a Tradewind Resort, 2 tickets to the All-Star dinner the night before the big game, 2 tickets to the East-West College All-Star Football Game with box seats and a field pass, what more can one ask? How about gift certificates and game apparel, with transportation to and from airport and game. This guarantees you will have a whole lot of fun, raffle tickets are a measly five bucks see a Cyclown today. The Cyclowns meet on the first Monday of the month at 5:30 at Chan’s in Milwaukie.


Cap’n James “D-Day” Brant
April 2017

Some of you may be wondering why Cyclowns have been absent from the Oasis as of late. Well, during our last meeting at Chans in Milwaukie special agents from ICE and local police, being tipped off from leftist Kader Klowns, conducted a raid and detained a few of our members. When they found no undocumented Cyclowns, 2nd. Lieutenant Patrick Sheehan sprang into action and seized the moment cutting a back room deal with the ICE officers. Subsequently, 1st Lieutenant Don Hayhurst will be deported. Since the Raid Morale amongst ICE agents and officers has increased exponentially due to photos of cats in cars that were found on a confiscated a laptop, Cap’n D-day was quoted as saying, “The Cyclown community has an absolute right to be angry over this. This has violated the trust of the community, and we cannot tell you how disappointed we are by the betrayal of the Department of Homeland Security and ICE agents. Those photos are sacred.” It’s expected that the tension between Cyclowns the local police authorities and federal authorities will continue to escalate until Don Hayhurst has been deported to Puerto Vallarta.

Thank you for your years of faithful service, Don.

Cyclowns meet on the first Monday of the month at 5:30 at Chan’s in Milwaukie.


2016

Noble Patrick Sheehan
November 2016

Al Kader Shriners Cyclowns

Several Cyclowns volunteered at the Widows Domain Haunted House and Hayride last month. It was a quite a change of pace to intentionally frighten children rather than catching them by surprise at parades.

Conspicuously absent was Don Hayhurst - whose regular clown costume was deemed appropriately terrifying, but his breath was just too over-the-top.

The Calliope Corps did an awesome job with their locomotive for the hayride. A great time was had by all.

The November meeting with be Monday the 7th at Chan’s in Milwaukie.


Noble Patrick Sheehan
October 2016

Drama once again engulfed the Cyclowns in September, as a potential terrorist attack at the Mt. Angel Oktoberfest was thwarted by Noble Michael Newgard.

Al Kader Shriners Cyclowns

Newgard was attending the event with his beloved dachshund Gunther, who is a registered service animal to help Michael cope with crippling irritable bowel syndrome.

As Newgard was walking through the food pavilion, he noticed two Silverton Elks Lodge members eating chili behind the Al Kader booth. As an active duty member of the US Army, Newgard immediately noted that an Elk eating Chili is considered an improvised explosive device, and actionable according the rules of engagement adopted by NATO.

Gunther sprang into action, sprinting toward the startled Elks at break-neck speed. The Elks, sensing their plot was foiled, turned to run but their advanced and age and general lack of physical conditioning caused them both to fall over, incapacitated.

A group of Silverton Shaolin Monks rushed upon the struggling Elks and had them taken away on a flatbed trailer.

Gunther was subsequently awarded the Silverton Medal of Valor for Canines (dachshund, pug or puggle category), presented by the Mayor along with a key to the city and a handful of snausages.

The next Cyclown meeting will be at Chan’s in Milwaukie Monday, October 3rd at 5:30 pm.

Al Kader Shriners Cyclowns


Noble Patrick Sheehan
July 2016

The June meeting of Cyclowns was disrupted by unruly Kader Clown sympathizers in protest outside Chan’s in Milwaukie. The confused membership wondered what all the fuss was about, until David Newgard - fresh from his latest tour of flying biplanes for the Merchant Marines, burst through the door in front of a hail of eggs, lettuce and bottles thrown in his direction.

Adjusting his “Make Cyclowns Great Again” red baseball hat, he addressed the members present with an enthusiastic and spirited speech. It focused on building a wall to keep the Kader Clowns out - which they will pay for, and was met with cheers from the crowd of Cyclowns in attendance - including his older brother and father.

The protesters grew, as a mob of people claiming to represent the interests of the Desert Patrol arrived via ATV. Newgard gestured at the window and said, “You see these guys? These Desert Rats? They only understand one thing - and that’s strength. We’re going to bring parade participation back to the Cyclowns. No more outsourcing to the Desert Patrol because you know what? These guys are the real clowns. We can do better - and we can make Cyclowns great again.”

Cap’n Brant continued the meeting. Because our next regular meeting date will be on the 4th of July, we are tentatively scheduling a replacement meeting for July 12 at 5:30 p.m. at Chan’s prior to the Milwaukie 109 stated meeting - pending the Potentate’s approval. The August meeting will be our annual break from Chan’s to Rosie’s in Linton on August 1st at 5:30 p.m..

Later, the Potentate’s aid was interrupted by Newgard, who said, “I know the Potentate - he’s a good guy. A good guy! And what he and I have planned is going to be huuuuuge. Believe me - you don’t know it now, but by this time next year you’re going to be really astounded - I mean really amazed at how huge this is.”

With that, Newgard waved to the Cyclowns in attendance with a thumbs-up gesture and left through a back entrance. Four Cyclowns were hospitalized trying to get to their cars in the parking lot afterward. No arrests were made, but video footage of the incident is widely available on youtube.


Parades

Al Kader Shriners Cyclowns on Parade 2016

Al Kader Shriners Cyclowns on Parade 2016


Noble Patrick Sheehan
April 2016

Since I was in Vegas for the last meeting and was unable to take notes, I’ll relay what I assume happened in my absence.

Noble Hayhurst arrived at the meeting in some type of novelty hat, wearing a sanitary seat cover from Chan’s restroom around his neck and mumbling something about the good old days.

Moose finally got sick of Jeremy’s nonsense and punched him right in the face.

Noble Tate tried to distribute agendas, and was reminded that if we didn’t read them when he was Cap’n, why would we read them now?

Entertainment books were discussed at length.

Somebody’s hearing aid was turned down too low, causing a semi-innocent comment about the waitress to be made at concert-level decibels. Since this happens at every meeting, she just rolled her eyes.

Looking forward to reporting something more than assumed events at our next meeting.


Noble Patrick Sheehan
March 2016

Cyclowns are pleased to report that after a long and sordid history with another well-known clown group nearby, we have decided to bury the hatchet and have successfully merged with the Oregon State Legislature. We plan to join them for parades and look forward to sharing in their tax revenue collections.

After reading a bit of history from Cyclown Alumni Donn Litchford, it was discovered that our origins go back to Flavel Temple, who observed an unorthodox group of clowns in a Chicago parade and chartered the Cyclowns shortly thereafter. He described them as “an undisciplined unit of Shrine clowns riding motor scooters.”

Hearing this, Cap’n Brant proclaimed that we will have an annual Flavel Temple award for the Cyclown who personifies the ideas of dysfunction, and unbecoming conduct that define the Al Kader Cyclown. The award will be in the form of a wrestling belt.

Cyclowns now has a Facebook page thanks to Noble Dave Newgard, who took time from flying helicopters for the Coast Guard to create the page. You can find lots of great photos of last years parades there.

We will see you Monday at 5:30 at Chan’s in Milwaukie for our next meeting.


Noble Patrick Sheehan
December 2015

As we prepare for our annual Holiday Party and Installation of officers, we reflect on Cap’n Tate’s short but significant reign of terror. Tate toasted his new replacement by raising his glass of Budweiser and Clam Juice to declare:

“May your agendas be as long as the awkward silence after one of Hayhurst’s jokes, may the debate about Entertainment Book Coupons be as heated as D-Days chair on Chili night, and may the Nobility show you the respect they’ve shown me,” and with those final words plunged a plastic fork in his own back, took a shot of Jamesion Irish Whiskey and walked out the door.

Elections ensued resulting in James Brant as Cap’n, Don Hayhurst as 1st Lieutenant, and Patrick Sheehan and 2nd.

New bylaws were presented by Don Hayhurst, who had likely just written them in the parking lot minutes before. They were adopted by anonymous consent.

As we shuffled out of the Shrine center, we could see Noble David Tate, now wearing full clown makeup, getting into a purple Fiat with two Kader Klowns. I fear we have not heard the last of him.


2015

Noble Patrick Sheehan
November 2015

Cyclowns Turn Back the Clock


Noble Patrick Sheehan
September 2015

Cyclowns were pleased to bring 5 teams to the golf tournament this year. We also sponsored a hole that allowed contestants to hit 3 Cyclown balls using the Cyclown Driver (pictured at the right) to win three laps around Portland International Raceway in a Lamborghini or Ferrari. In true Cyclown fashion, the award was won and handed over, and Don Hayhurst (pictured right modeling the official Cyclown necktie - for which there dispensers in most bathrooms) neglected to write down his name. So congratulations, guy.

In the Astoria Parade, three Cyclowns joined the Potentate and First Lady - and were a big hit. Deeply concerned by the Motor Escorts’ absence and the vulnerability of our Illustrious Sir, James Brant elected to ride on the float to provide close quarters security. That, and his bike didn’t start.

The annual Cyclown picnic at the Hayhurst residence was outstanding.

A big thank you to Don Hayhurst and Ruth from Lifetime Windows for staffing the golf tournament hole and doing a great job selling those swings.

We are changing venues for our next meeting - an annual tradition to go to Rosies in Linton once a year. See you there Monday the 7th at 5:30.

Finally, we would like to formally apologize to the

continued on page 25


Noble Patrick Sheehan
August 2015

A special presentation was made to Noble Steve Newgard for his years of faithful service by Don Hayhurst at the July meeting. The historic cup is expected to cause Newgard to start chewing tobacco now that he has a proper spittoon.

Minutes from the meeting indicate clearly that Don Hayhurst was right about something that night. No further details were journaled, nor could be remembered. We wish Hayhurst luck in that ever happening again.

Noble Ray Reece inquired with the staff of Chan’s Chinese Restaurant whether they had pot stickers. Again, we were at a Chinese restaurant.

Jerry made an elaborate motion regarding entertainment books again, and we agreed to get enough for Jim to sell to his usual customers. All other Cyclowns committed to pay the $10 “we don’t want to have to buy one of these things this year” alternate fee.

Jerry, Walt, Ray & Stan represented the Cyclowns at the Tillamook parade and reported that it was a lovely parade, and acknowledged the driving skill the Oriental Band had in following so closely without killing any of them. The four wanted to be sure we thanked them publicly. It’s a much better position to be in front of the Oriental Band under fear of being squished, than behind them where we are downwind.

Still, as a gesture of good faith and friendship, we would like to offer the Oriental Band this token;

Cyclowns August 2015

The Cyclown picnic will be August 16. Oasis will be at 2:00 and dinner at 4:00.

All Cyclowns are looking forward to this year’s Golf Tournament, and plan to bring four teams. See the photo below from last year’s Cyclown team of Steve Newgard, Cap’n Tate, Jeremy Ward and Patrick Sheehan. Congratulations to Tate on winning an actual award for the shortest drive of the day, and to Don Hayhurst who was documented as the longest ladies drive, but was utterly ignored during the recognition ceremony.

Cyclowns August 2015


Noble Patrick Sheehan
July 2015

Cyclowns July 2015

Cap’n Tate keeps providing us agendas that make great multi-beverage coasters. At our last regular meeting we discussed parade participation and how all the bikes are running.

Entertainment book fundraisers were again brought up, and we decided to handle it differently this year. You can buy a book for $35 - and $5 goes to the club. Or you can buy absolutely nothing at all for $10 and we will consider your obligation met.

No sooner did the gavel fall on the meeting than a Charter bus from “Auntie Olga’s Discount Hungarian Elder Care Facility” screeched to a stop in front of our secret meeting place at Chan’s in Milwaukie. A dozen disoriented Kader Klowns made their way off the bus and lurched toward our monthly meeting like brightly painted zombies on a hunt for brains.

Hayhurst and Tate took up a defensive position along the south wall of the building. Kader Klowns are easily confused and frightened, so the two Cyclowns staged a loud argument over the differences between Tramp and Hobo clowns. The Kader Klowns were so overcome with the opportunity to showcase their only skill in clarifying these important details - that several of them couldn’t handle it and spontaneously combusted, leaving only a streak of grease paint and pile of broken orthopedic shoes. The remainder scattered and are still believed to be in the area.

Look for us to be out in force at this year’s golf tournament.


Noble Patrick Sheehan
June 2015

Cyclowns rode in The Dalles Parade, and were assigned pooper-scooper duty behind the Oriental Band. Parade veteran Don Hayhurst did his best to educate the 5 first-time riders on proper parade etiquette, but was utterly ignored.

After the Spring Ceremonial, Hayhurst held a demonstration on how to drop a 50cc motorcycle without spilling your beer. This so impressed newly Fez’d Noble Matt Wand he was compelled to seek membership. Condolences to Noble Wand.

Cyclowns at The Dalles Parade


Noble Patrick Sheehan
May 2015

Clyclowns are pleased to announce that the first three Shriners to complete our online membership survey will receive complementary $100 gift certificates to El Gaucho Steak House. To complete the survey, go to

Continued on page 21 of the May Oasis


Noble Patrick Sheehan
April 2015

In an attempt to bring order to the Cyclown membership, Cap’n Tate has instituted formal agendas. By the document’s length and ambition, it was clearly inspired by the unibomber manifesto and the Encyclopedia Britannica.

In March, the Cyclowns finally held a meeting that wasn’t crashed by the Kader Clowns. They were apparently all at spring training for the official Kader Clowns hockey team, and all drowned.

Parade dates were set, and committed to a goal of participating in at least five. Newer members were treated to a makeup tutorial by a group of “Tater Clowns” Hand-written notes were a little tough to read, but we think that’s who was there. Photo is below, and if we’re wrong please send corrections to don.hayhurst@crossdressersanonymous.org.

cyclowns_42015


Noble Patrick Sheehan
March 2015

Cyclown members arrived at 5:30 pm to the monthly, first Monday meeting at Chan’s in Milwaukie to a full house. Front-and-center was the successful recruitment of Cyclowns #1 Draft Pick James “D-Day” Brant, who was presented with his official Cyclown Jersey. In order to protect his identity from nearby Kader Clowns looking to poach him for their own membership, we safely concealed his identity until we were able to make it official. The Kader Clowns are easily fooled and quite conspicuous themselves - and the staff at Chan’s was quick to point out several onlookers skulking about the restaurant in full clown makeup drinking Shirley Temples. All trouble was avoided.

Al Kader Cyclowns

Cap’n David Tate struggled to maintain order as most members were distracted by his shiny bracelet and openly wondered if he also had matching earrings. Dave Newgard reported we have 6 working bikes and 6 needing some maintenance.

It was reported that Cyclown membership is the highest it’s been in 15 years. Our next meeting will be at the Shrine Temple in Wilsonville Monday, March 2nd at 5:30 to learn new clown paint techniques. We’ll be back to Chan’s starting in April


Noble Patrick Sheehan
February 2015

Cap’n Tate opened the Cyclowns January meeting despite our best efforts to derail him. Discussion focused on creating a new tracking system for our motorcycles, and the acquisition of new motorized bar stools to add to our fleet.

Nobles Don Hayhurst and Steve Newgard (pictured below) offered stern warnings about making light of other units in the Oasis. I pledged to maintain the strictest observance of dignity and respect in future posts, and thanked them for their input.

Cyclowns 2-2015

Cyclowns would like to announce our #1 draft pick for 2015, Noble James “D-Day” Brandt. Noble Brandt (pictured below) is a celebrated ladies man, skilled in karaoke, metallurgy and ballroom dancing. The Cyclowns would like to formally extend a membership opportunity to this monument of awesomeness and hope to report of a successful recruitment in the next Oasis.

James Brandt

We extended an olive branch to the Kader Clowns earlier this month, inviting them to our meeting and offering to buy the drinks if they brought the ice. They said they will as soon as they find the recipe.

Cap’n Tate set a goal of 4 parades for our unit this year, but hardly anyone was listening. Cyclowns meet on the first Monday of the month at 5:30 at Chan’s in Milwaukie.


Noble Patrick Sheehan
January 2015

December marked the annual Cyclown party which was well attended by at least two dozen members and Ladies. New Cyclown officers were installed to the surprise of those who hadn’t realized they had been elected.

The event was officiated by IS Dave Johnson, who kicked-off the event with an impressive 18-minute a cappella rendition of the Star Spangle Banner to the delight of all the holiday diners at the Old Spaghetti Factory. Carl Thompson tried to steal his thunder by following it up with an instrumental version of “One Night in Bangkok” played on a two-octave Casio keyboard stolen from the toys-for-tots bin in front of the restaurant, but was quickly booed into silence.

The Captain Fez was presented to David Tate by Past Captain Don Hayhurst. Hayhurst spent the afternoon at “barbers for the blind” who provided him the stylish haircut he was sporting at the party, paid for with one of his coveted Entertainment Book coupons.

Past Cyclown Captains Don Hayhurst and Steve Newgard share an intimate moment at the Spaghetti Factory

Rumors circulated that the Kader Clowns intended to crash the holiday extravaganza to deliver retribution to our humble corps with seltzer water. It would not be the first time the Kader Clowns showed up to a party bringing only mixers. However, the evening came and went without sight of our grease-painted brethren, and it was later learned they were unable to make it to the restaurant since Tri-Met shut down “fairless square” and demanded they pay $1.55 each - which none of them had.

The next meeting with be at Chan’s in Milwaukie Monday, January 5th at 5:30 PM. We would like to remind anyone who is considering joining the Cyclowns that we’re probably not interested in bringing on anyone who would want to associate with the likes of us.


Noble Patrick Sheehan
December 2014

The November Cyclown meeting began as they all do, with an election to try and replace Don Hayhurst as President. Relatively new member David Tate took the bait and was elected by a narrow majority of 9-1, with the adverse voter later apologizing, confusing the ballot for something to do with an Armenian arms deal that was scheduled for new business later in the meeting.

In addition to Tate, the Cyclowns elected First Lieutenant Jeremy Ward and Second Lieutenant Patrick Sheehan. Ward congratulated Sheehan on finally winning an election. deal that was scheduled for new business later in the meeting.

Noble David Newgard was kind enough to bring Cyclown Bylaws to the table. However, they were in the form of a 5 1/4 inch floppy disk. deal that was scheduled for new business later in the meeting.

As committee assignments were being discussed, once again an angry mob of Kader Clowns crashed the meeting. Recently un-elected president Don Hayhurst emerged from his Singapore Sling to try and smooth things over, citing at least they're better than those "Desert Rodents." Hayhurst was immediately and unanimously censured for his characterization of our esteemed brethren in the Desert Patrol. Hayhurst then declared that he will buy a drink for any Desert Patrol member who joins a Cyclown meeting, as well as free cheese and peanut butter. deal that was scheduled for new business later in the meeting.

Staff from Chan's Steakery then interrupted the meeting demanding to know who made a mess of the restroom. The nervous Kader Clowns denied responsibility, explaining that per their bylaws they all do their business sitting down. The culprit was never found, and the Kader Clowns made a quick exit by way of their official transport, a pink Volkswagen Cabriolet emblazoned with Mary Kay stickers. deal that was scheduled for new business later in the meeting.

A question of Quorum was brought and satisfied when David Tate - for an unknown reason - was found in a distant corner by himself. deal that was scheduled for new business later in the meeting.

The Cyclown Christmas Party is scheduled for December 1 at 6:00 PM at the Macadam Spaghetti Factory. Nobles may choose to participate in the open bar option for a flat fee of $735, but is limited to well vodka and unfinished wine left by other diners. deal that was scheduled for new business later in the meeting.

The meeting was adjourned on the reminder that the Cyclowns will be at the next ceremonial. Noble Ward suggested we sponsor a 'clothing optional' area for the event, but was quickly and thankfully overruled.


Noble Noble Patrick Sheehan
November 2014

Cyclowns monthly meeting was held on October 6th at Chan's Restaurant in Milwaukie. 12 Nobles were in attendance including Noble Brian Wright who arrived in full clown makeup. He offered no explanation.

The highlight of the meeting was Noble Jim Lang pushing Entertainment books on everyone with the enthusiastic support of Cyclown President Don Hayhurst, who likes to use coupons wherever he goes. The annual extortion being over ensures the next 11 meetings will be free of Entertainment Book solicitations.

Noble Tate was kind enough to take notes, but he was not legible – or perhaps literate enough – to make the events of the evening clear. It appears that someone of some importance is visiting the next Cyclown meeting on November 3rd at 5:30 PM at Chans in Milwaukie. We will either be visited by a Pope, Potentate or some type of Pork.

Prior to discussion of the Christmas party, our meeting was again crashed by the Kader Clowns. This time, they were duped by Desert Patrol into thinking the Cyclowns were putting on a makeup clinic. The Kader Clowns were turned away when it was revealed they only brought lipstick and mascara.

It was decided the annual Christmas party will be at the Old Spaghetti Factory on Macadam on December 1 at 6:00 PM. His majesty the Pope is expected to attend, and members of the Cyclowns are encouraged to be on their best behavior. We acknowledge that best behavior is a relative term and we expect arrests will be made. To mitigate this, we resolved that all Secret Santa gifts be given in the form of bail money.

The meeting closed with President Don Hayhurst declaring that if the Kader Clowns show up again he's going to give them all a "Shriner shiner," after which he attempted to pay his tab with irrelevant Entertainment Book coupons he stole from Noble Carl Thompson. Security caught up with Hayhurst in the parking lot and he was compelled to pay his tab in US currency.

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Al Kader Oasis May 2017 Newsletter
May 2017
Oasis Archive

Events
05/26   Fez Lunch
05/27   DeMolay Conclave
06/01   Grand Lodge
06/10   Saddle Up
07/09   Imperial Session
07/22   Portland Pickles
07/28   Summer PNSA
08/12   Run For Child
08/17   Annual Golf

Shrine Center
25100 SW Parkway Avenue
Wilsonville, OR 97070-9600

Phone: 503-682-4420
FAX: 503-685-5080

Contact Us
Membership Petition

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